The catastrophic second wave of COVID-19 cases currently reigning terror on Melbourne has been directly linked to guards making tender love to Aspen ski bunnies, a new inquiry has found.

The inquiry launched by the Victorian government into protocol breaches by security guards overseeing hotel quarantine had led to outbreaks in Victoria, has found that some blokes just can’t resist their gotdamselves.

In late March, without a tender process, the Victorian Government contracted private security operators to guard hotel quarantine guests.

Some security guards were hired to work at Melbourne’s COVID-19 quarantine hotels through WhatsApp messages, with some employees claiming that they didn’t even know who they were actually working for.

Further revelations have found that guards were socialising with COVID-19 infect guests, with some even going as far as rooting them, and then spreading the virus across the city like wildfire.

We spoke to one of the guards at the centre of Rootgate, in his first ever interview about the role he played in the outbreak

46-year-old Colin Wood is one of the index super spreaders of the second wave, however he has not yet appeared in any news publications because he isn’t an African teenager.

Unlike some of the subcontractors hired the day before they started work – Colin says he can’t actually claim ignorance.

“I knew exactly what I was doing haha” says Colin.

“And let me tell ya…”

“Actually, nahhh haha”

“Actually fuck it”

“I know you don’t wanna hear this”

“But gotdam it was worth it” he says, referring to the thousands of people now infected with Coronavirus because of his wandering dick.

“Real lightening bolt out the arse stuff”

“I mean what do you expect, she’s there in lingerie. I’m there by myself. Of course I was gonna hit that”



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