Experts have today devised an incredible solution to one of the nation’s most pressing health issues.

Those with an understanding of the commercial realities of providing decent health care to people have unveiled a groundbreaking plan to combat ambulance ‘ramping.’

Known as ramping, the term refers to the delays experienced by ambulances at hospitals that tie up crews, meaning there are fewer ambulances available to respond to other emergencies.

Every month new horror stories are published about critically ill patients remaining ramped for extended periods of time because of bed blocks.

A report a few months ago revealed 70 preventable deaths were caused by ramping in Victoria in 2018, with paramedics and health professionals around the country begging anyone who will listen, to fucking do something.

Now, finally, those calls have been answered, with the people who allocate budgets at a state and federal level deciding to fix the issue by simply just kitting paramedics out with surgical kits and providing them with a quick training course on the various fields of surgery.

A government representative today told The Advocate that the new policy is a cost-effective solution to providing adequate funding to the health sector.

“It obviously is going to cost a truckload of money to fix the issues that cause ramping, so we thought, why don’t we just solve the issues that ramping causes,” said the local bureaucrat.

“So, we are going to provide paramedics with the tools to perform things like emergency neurosurgery to stop a brain bleed in a patient who is stuck in a bed out the front of the local hospital for half an hour.”

“Provide a paramedic with a clean run to the emergency department and he brings a patient, teach a paramedic neurosurgery and he can save a whole village worth of patients.”

“It’s a no-brainer!”

The head of Betoota Base Hospital was contacted about the issue and just let out a long sigh and told us he couldn’t be fucked wasting his time providing comments.

More to come.


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