ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
A Betoota Heights man has today acknowledged that he may have become a fool unto himself, after waking to find a breadmaker he does not need now dominating the bench space in his one bedroom apartment.
Speaking to The Advocate this afternoon, 33-year old-systems analyst Marcus Delaney said he had been casually entertaining the idea of owning a breadmaker for some time, mostly because the concept of waking up to fresh bread made him feel like a person with structure in his life.
However, after seeing the model he'd bookmarked drop from $449 to $200 during Thursday night's Black Friday sales, Marcus says he was overcome by a sense of urgency that, in hindsight, appears to have been a mild capitalist-induced hallucination.
"I think I just got caught up in it," he said.
"The countdown timers, the flashing banners, the emails telling me I was personally selected for the deal. It tricks you into thinking you need something, even when you don't actually eat that much bread."
The machine arrived yesterday morning and was immediately unboxed, despite Marcus having nowhere to put it that didn't require moving essential items like a kettle or the only available spare surface in the home.
"It's roughly the size of a small dog," he said.
"I didn’t realise that. I thought it would be toaster sized. It’s not. And it's fucking loud."
As the appliance ran its first test cycle, Marcus found himself remembering why his family never owned one for more than 24 hours. His father had purchased a breadmaker during the 90s home-gadget boom, only to botch the first loaf and then loudly abuse the machine at six in the morning.
"I remember waking up to him shouting, 'You fucken cunnavafuckenthing!' and me shooting bolt upright in bed thinking he'd just step on one of my Micro Machines and I was about to get the belt," said Marcus.
"Mum made him put it in the garage before breakfast. That was the end of the breadmaker era in our household. It went in a council clean up in 1998. Seeing it leave, it was like finally getting rid of Jumanji."
Despite this memory resurfacing, Marcus says he continued assembling the new unit for reasons that now elude him.
"I've realised it’s just neo-liberal conditioning," he said.
"You get told every year that you're supposed to buy something on Black Friday or you’ve somehow missed out. The whole point is to keep you buying things you don't need so everything looks like economic activity and no one asks questions."
Asked whether he intends to become a regular home baker, Marcus shook his head.
"I’ll make one loaf. Then I'll probably put it on Marketplace. That seems to be the life cycle of a breadmaker."
More to come.
