“Aah, Me Tummy ’urts!” Cries Visiting Pom After Eating Diet Of Fresh Local Food

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A holiday ruined and a visiting family are picking up the pieces today after a 46-year-old British national was admitted to Royal Betoota Base Hospital this morning suffering from a mystery internal illness.

Shortly after 9am this morning, Ronnie Chasworth of the historic market town of Bishop’s Stortford was transported to emergency after enjoying a nice breakfast out with friends and family.

It’s understood by The Advocate that Mr Chasworth enjoying a range of fresh fruits, high-quality smallgoods, artisan bread and eggs from a chicken that has a name. In addition to that, witnesses have suggested the man also consumed a freshly squeeze ‘immunity juice’ from the popular brunch spot in town.

The previous evening, Chasworth was said to have enjoyed some Rangers Valley steak complete with all the trimmings. Four pints of Guinness at Searson’s of Maggot Street in the Old City.

It’s left doctors scratching their heads. However, a retired nutritionist has offered one theory.

“British people tend to eat very poorly,” said Professor Glenda Clarke.

“They typically only have a life expectancy of about 60 because of their diet. It’s very well documented. I’ve seen this phenomenon before, where someone who has sustained themselves with a lifelong a diet of deep friend delights, Wetherspoon pints and Tesco meal deals, that when they’re introduced to real fresh food, their gut can turn,”

“It’s like opening your neighbour’s fuse box and putting the hose on it. Total shock to the system.”

Clarke’s theory, some say, has some credence.

Last week in Canberra, a 39-year-old Irish national in Brisbane had six foot of lower intestine removed after he accidentally ingesting half a head of broccoli thinking it was some sort of exotic Australian animal.

A Scotsman in Melbourne was charged by his local police station in Ayrshire yesterday for allegedly buying a round of drinks (punishable by up to five years’ imprisonment in Scotland as being generous with money was outlawed in 2001) and is currently fighting an extradition order in the Victorian Supreme Court. It’s alleged the man also consumed a kebab without first referring to is as ‘foreign muck’, which is punishable by a further five years imprisonment in Scotland.

This is a developing story.

More to come.