Yeah G’Day Mate Just Two Pints Of The Chardonnay Thanks Mate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man has tonight confirmed that he is in possession of both limited time and unlimited stupidity, after attempting to skull his way through the Betoota Heights Tavern’s entire wine supply in one sitting.

Witnesses say 34-year-old IT contractor Jason Whitfield wandered up to the front bar just after 5:15pm Friday and, without hesitation, asked the bartender for “two pints of the Chardonnay thanks mate.”

“I don’t muck around on Fridays,” Whitfield later explained.

“I’ve only got about an hour before dinner, so I need to do an absolute number on myself in the shortest window possible.”

The barman, however, flatly refused the order.

“Mate, I can’t give you a pint of wine. You’re fucked in the head if you think I can do that. I’d be deregistered before you went into respiratory failure,” he said.

Undeterred, Whitfield immediately pivoted.

“Fine, joog. Just give us a pint of the espresso martini then,” he said, pointing at the new cocktail tap like he’d caught the bar in a legal loophole.

That was the final straw. According to staff, Whitfield was cut off on the spot.

“He wasn’t even drunk yet,” said the duty manager.

“But you could see in his eyes where this was headed.”

Denied access to further alcohol, Whitfield then turned his attention to the pokies room, where he allegedly stripped the refreshment table of complimentary lamingtons and began palming each one up the cash slot of every machine in sight.

The incident, which took less than three minutes, resulted in sixteen jammed machines, a furious floor manager, and an immediate lifetime ban from the venue.

At press time, Whitfield was seen waiting outside for an Uber, still insisting that pubs should “get fucked” and serve wine the way it’s meant to be consumed.

More to come.