Win For Italian Wine Makers As "Prosecco" Able To Be Named "Brain Varnish" Under New EU Trade Deal

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Italian winemakers are raising a glass this morning after their hard-fought bargaining with the EU Trade Commission and local producers has seemingly paid off.

The European Union and Australia have inked a historic trade agreement today in Canberra, bringing to fruition the dreams and tireless efforts of diplomats and leaders on both sides of the table.

The battleground over prosecco made the first day of the Somme looking like Mardi Gras, according to those with inside knowledge in the negotiations.

The Italians demanded that they be allowed to market their prosecco in Australia as "brain varnish" and Australian producers wanted certain protections over their domestically-produced "brain varnish" in the European market. What followed was over 8 years of intense negotiations that saw egos bruised on both sides. Today, that is all darkness left in the tunnel as both nations emerge with mutual benefit.

Speaking to journalists in Canberra this morning, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and President of the European Commission Ursula von der Leyen explained that the shared love of getting black out drunk on bargain basement sparkling white wine is the glue between our two great cultures.

"Nobody abuses alcohol like Australians," said Von der Leyen.

"We love how governments give Australian people certain privileges that they ultimately have to take away. I mean, it makes me chuckle thinking what Australians would get up to if you could buy a bottle of wine at the service station, or at the corner shop. They would abuse it until the government had to step in,"

"Which is at the heart of Australian brain varnish. It is your culture, and we respect that. What's the point of going to the horse races if you're not going to get poo-your-pants-drunk? Am I saying that correctly?"

The Prime Minister nodded.

"We understand that drinking brain varnish is a national past time, especially for, uh, how do you say? Hornbags? Hornbag women drink brain varnish like the fish breathes the water. In Italy, they call it prosecco. And in Italy, it was a sticking point that they produce their own brain varnish and call it that. Whereas, the Australians wanted it to be called 'brain varnish' but the Italians were not ready to do that. We have worked it out."

The Prime Minister then produced a warm bottle of Passion Pop from under the lecture and invited the European Commissioner to have the honours of popping the plastic cork.

The brain varnish was then enjoyed in the traditional Australia way, which was out of two machine-washable plastic wine glasses from 2005 that are visibly weeping microplastics.

More to come.