Woman Returning From Holiday Grateful She Can Finally Have Normal Bowel Movements Again

EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | Contact

A woman suffering from the post holidays blues has today found a small silver lining this morning, as she reports her bowel movements have finally gotten back to normal now that she’s back on home soil.

Lily Hayfield, 28, a chronic over sharer from the tree lined streets of Betoota Heights, admits that even though she had a wonderful time exploring Sicily, her bowels have a strange habit of shutting up shop whenever she ventures out of the country.

Having only passed the occasional pellet, which even large amounts of alcohol didn’t seem to encourage, Lily informs our long suffering reporter that she’s grateful to have passed a big ole sausage Sunday morning, just hours after landing in Australia.

Lily says she’s not entirely sure why her body seems to behave this way but that she does have a theory.

She pops on her behavioural scientist hat on to explain why she can’t seem to drop the kids off to school when she’s not within a 50km radius of home.

“I think maybe because my body knows I’m somewhere foreign, and shitting is one of the most vulnerable things you can do”, explains Lily, “like, if I were in the wild and my body thought I was in danger, I wouldn’t shit as much.”

Our reporter asks if it could maybe have something to do with Lily consuming nothing but takeout food and aperol spritz, which hardly contains the daily intake of fibre needed to pop a squat.

“Hmmm, nah, I think it’s just an evolutionary thing.”

“Speaking of – sorry, might need to cut this one short. It’s that time again.”

“Ciao bella!”

More to come.