“We Don’t Need That Rubbish In Footy” Says Bendigo Man Who Remembers How Good AFL Origin Was Back In The Day

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Bendigo car salesman and proud ethnic Tamar-Tasmanian has once again taken a firm public stance against the idea of a State of Origin in the AFL, before privately admitting it would “probably go off” and that “it was mad back in the day.”

Trent Malloy, who sells GWM and Haval SUVs at a dealership on the edge of the cosmopolitan regional Victorian hub, made the comments Wednesday night while watching the rugby league decider in a Queensland-bred mate’s shed in Eaglehawk.

“I don’t get why people keep bringing it up,” Malloy said to the group, unprompted.

“We’re not league. We don’t need that tribal, fake hatred bullshit. We have real hatred. And footy already goes across every state. Why would we turn it into some bogan postcode punch-on?”

Malloy, who has lived in Bendigo since 2004 but continues to claim Tamar Valley heritage “on both sides,” was raised with a deep awareness of his convict ancestry. Family folklore claims one great-great-great uncle was offloaded at Macquarie Harbour for giving the ship’s beagle a nonconsensual handjob.

“Origin does’t work in footy, well, it did back in the day. For a laugh,” he explained between big anti-social sips of Boag’s Mainlander Lager.

“Unless maybe it was based on where your ancestors landed. That could be a system.”

According to Malloy, players should be selected based on which penal colony their forebears arrived at, with eligibility tied to “first boat, not birthplace.”

“If your people landed in Fremantle, you’re WA. Sydney Cove, you’re a blue. Queensland? You’re probably an islander and therefore not cut out build-wise for Aussie Rules. Van Diemen’s, you’re Tassie. Port Arthur’s a lock. Norfolk Island gets a wild card team, obviously. You could have fun with that. Like have a draft or something?”

Pressed on South Australia, Malloy clarified that “anyone without convict blood automatically defaults to SA.”

“You get a certificate of innocence at birth. Can’t help it if your family were free settlers, or Nazi rat-liners that suspiciously popped up in Hahndorf in the 50s.”

Witnesses report that after initially rubbishing the concept, Malloy was later seen sketching out hypothetical team lists on the back of an overdue gas bill, muttering to himself.

“Imagine Riewoldt, Buddy Frankin and big Lynchie in the same forward line… all bloodlines traceable to the same penal record. It’s like the Father-Son rule on steroids, it is.”

Though he maintains the AFL should never do it, Malloy conceded that if it were held at the MCG with proper heritage vetting and a convict-era guernsey design, “you’d have to watch it. Just to witness the pageantry.”

As of this morning, Malloy was lobbying a local printer to make a prototype “Van Diemen’s Men” ASColour singlet featuring a cannon, a noose and a map of Tassie.

More to come.