Sam Konstas Enters Rehab For Crippling Ramp Addiction

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Australian cricket’s brightest batting prodigy has checked himself into rehab this week after doctors and selectors confirmed that his obsession with the ramp shot had reached dangerous levels.

According to sources within Cricket Australia, 20-year-old Sam Konstas was quietly admitted to a private rehabilitation centre located inside Allan Border’s home in Chapel Hill, west of Brisbane. The program, referred to internally as The Border Method, is understood to treat a range of modern batting disorders including reverse sweeps in the first ten overs and limp, early-career brand partnerships.

“Allan said he hasn’t seen a case this bad since the Black Caps’ Chris Martin tried to scoop Shoaib Akhtar in Lahore back in 02,” said a senior selector.

Konstas will now undergo a six-step recovery process that Cricket Australia hopes will prepare him to open alongside Usman Khawaja in next summer’s Ashes. The first phase will be led by Damien Martyn, who will attempt to reintroduce the young man to the cover drive. A shot that, according to Martyn, “does not go over the keeper’s head unless something has gone very wrong.”

Once he’s mastered that, Ricky Ponting will step in to show him how to get into position early and “pull the fuck out of some short shit.”

Adam Gilchrist will then take over, teaching him how to crossbat whatever he wants while still looking like it’s cricket and not Major League Baseball. Mark Waugh’s session, titled Elegance and LBW Awareness, will focus on how to walk across your stumps and get out LBW in an almost comical fashion but make it look so effortless that everyone forgives you instantly. A module Shane Watson did not receive a pass mark in. Matthew Hayden’s module, which is said to involve a mix of refromer pilates, beach sprints and hyper-aggressive eye contact, will help Konstas learn how to be both dangerous and adored. Hayden’s philosophy is to remain spiritually centred while carting bowlers all over the paddock, a skill that won him millions of fans worldwide, with the notable exception of a handful of overweight geography teachers from Zimbabwe still ropable about his 380.

Finally, Allan Border will personally oversee the final stage of Konstas’ rehabilitation. The goal, according to insiders, is to teach him to be tough on the outside, merciless when it matters, but gentle and kind on the inside. Also, how to cut something so hard they have to replace the ball.

“By the end of it, he’ll know when to ramp, when to drive, and when to shut up and block,” said Border.

“That’s when he’ll be ready to open with Uzi.”

More to coe.