Report: Dumbest Fucking Bird On Earth Is Thriving In Big Smoke So Why Aren’t You?

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Once regarded as little more than a brainless nuisance destined for the scrap heap of natural selection, the brush turkey has somehow managed to carve out a thriving existence in the heart of Brisbane and lesser places.

Wildlife historians say the bird, which looks like a burnt ibis with the brains of fish, was nearly wiped out by farmers, property developers and anyone with a shred of common sense. That was until some sanctimonious lefties in the seventies declared it a protected species, which means now we are stuck with the things forever.

“They”re as dumb as shit and afraid of nothing,” said local resident Colin Cowan, whose front yard is a permanent construction site for one particularly determined brush turkey.

“I got this bloke offa Gumtree to scare one off last year, cost me $200 and all he did was sic his dachshunds on it. They didn’t hurt it but their little yips got it gone but it came back an hour later. The council told me tough titties and the police said whatever I did to them, they’d do to me in the corridor of their police station where there’s no cameras, so I guess I just have to deal with it?”

The bird’s unlikely rise to urban dominance has raised some awkward questions for the thousands of regional Australians sold the city dream.

“For decades bush kids have been told to head to the big smoke to make something of themselves,” said South Betoota Polytechnic College’s chief economist, Dr Leigh Bartram.

“But these birds have done it without a degree, without a trade and without the ability to recognise their own reflection. What’s your excuse? If the brush turkey can make it in Brisbane, anyone can.”

Those words are of little comfort to Cowan, he says.

“They’re proof you don’t need brains to make it in the city,” added Cowan.

“You just need some bongo-slapping university prick to decide you’re worth saving. Maybe that’s where I fucked up.”

More to come.