Outraged Fitzroy man outraged at Coopers’ outrageous apology for making outrageous can for outrageous Bible Society deplorables

15 March, 2017. 12:23

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“They shouldn’t get away with this as easily as they did. They need to be accountable for what they did,” he said.

Perpetually-outraged Fitzroy resident Cameron Ashley admits that before he attended university, his happy-go-lucky nature that served him well during high school would’ve allowed him to shrug off the Coopers Jesus controversy without even a second thought.

But somewhere been first-year community studies and fifth-year social anger studies, something clicked inside the once proudly-privately-educated young man that made himself hate the world more than he hated himself.

“I was just so ANGRY and HURT that the last family-owned Australian major brewery would do such a thing,” wrote Ashley on his locally popular Tumblr web diary.

“BOYCOTT! BOYCOTT! BOYCOTT! – Let Coopers know that supporting a charitable religious society is NOT OK! This is worse than what Carlton did to our comrades in the next suburb over. I’m FURIOUS that they think they can just walk away by apologising. FUCK COOPERS!”

However, as the tides of the loony left loathing tsunami begin to recede, the honest facts of the situation have started to become clearer.

The South Australian bible-thumping beer makers never sponsored the ‘discussion’ between the bottom drawer of the Liberal Party and any suggestion that they did is simply false according to a Coopers spokesman.

“We just made a can to commemorate the 200 years of charity work done by the Bible Society and these creeps jumped onboard,” said the spokesman.

“And for that, I guess we should apologise. Sorry to all those people with facial piercings we upset.”