With cattle families in central and North West Queensland currently watching a seven year drought turn into a disastrous once-in-a-lifetime flood, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today ordered an emergency flood relief package.

It’s been seven days since Western Queensland graziers experienced three years worth of rain in 10 days – and lost every fence they ever built, but the damaged in terms of drowned cattle is only just being assessed now.

Some of the farmers are estimating almost 100 per cent stock losses, while the state’s cattle industry as a whole is expecting about 500,000 dead cattle.

“Well, I can rip up all that drought policy now [haha]” said the Nightwatchman over a coffee at an artisan Cronulla bakery this morning.

“Yea, but seriously. Mate. It’s not good. I love the farmers. Mate.”

“Just not sure what to do for ’em… Army have already said they can’t help with supplies”

One Nation have ordered an immediate suspension of Australia’s annual $500,0000 in foreign aid to poor non-Australians to be redirected to farmers in the North – a number that might be able to cover all the losses – while also putting us at risk of souring relations with much bigger neighbouring countries that actually buy all this beef.

Graziers typically sell cows for $500 a head with farmers estimating the 500,000 dead cattle could mean losses of up to $300 million.

While One Nation’s figures check out, it is nothing in comparison to the $50 billion dollars Scott Morrison has just announced will be spent to let the French build seven submarines to help Australia fight ISIS underwater.

Speaking to the media this morning, the Final Swirl appeared to have an epiphany.

“That’s it!” he said.

“I’ll send the Navy. With some hay… Or grain.”

“We’ve actually got so many submarines I have no idea what to do with them all.. So this is good. We’ll send ’em through the gulf towing some hay”

The Prime Minister then took a moment to ask his media advisor what is that cows eat when they don’t have grass.

At time of press, his media advisor was still googling this specific question.



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