Nation Asks Yet Again Why Is Victoria Like This

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

People from across Australia are dedicating time this morning to ponder what in green Christ is going on down in Victoria after yet another weekend of unsavouriness down there.

From Sydney, the largest open-air sewer in the southern hemisphere, to our prosperous West and in developing parts of the nation such as Adelaide and Tasmania, to Australia’s premier and most liveable city of Brisbane, the question on everyone’s mind today is what makes Victoria such an attractive place for our burgeoning Nazi and Nazi-adjacent communities.

It is same to assume that Nazis exist in all corners of the country, however, the Victorian sub-species is more prevalent and public facing in comparison to the meek and ridiculed Queensland variety.

A new study conducted by the country’s domestic intelligence services hopes to uncover why Victoria has become such a fertile ground from which this new brand of metrosexual nazism has grown.

The study, set to be released this week, is being lead by a team of “researchers” and “analysts” from the Australian National University, which is essentially now just Charles Sturt with a bit of sandstone.

“Queenslanders are a docile people,” said the report’s author Dr John Citizen.

“They’d only really protest something like mass migration if there was a courtesy bus and the promise of potato gems afterwards. New South Welshpeople are too busy, they work too hard during the week and on the weekend, they have to entertain their children because they live in an apartment because they got a shit HSC. South Australia, they have real Nazis in Hahndorf. It was a well-known Nazi ratline back in the day so it’s safe to assume everyone in that town is actually a Nazi, descendent from Nazis or dreaming of putting their enemies in a barrel of lime. Pretty harmless. In Perth, they are actually too rich to be Nazis. They have South Africans who fled apartheid (because they fucking loved it and it made their little Protea-shaped nipples hard) who are actually the most annoying migrants over there as well. It’s too hot in Darwin for this kind of rubbish. Plus fishing rules so yeah. Hobart might have Nazis but it helps that they have the common enemy of salmon farming so their war on society is on hold for the minute,”

“Which leaves Melbourne. I mean, the rest of the nation is just looking at it and thinking why does this keep happening down there? Maybe we are all too dumb, too well-fed, too ignorant to understand. Which is probably correct. It’s a city that has everything. From being the beating heart of Australian sport, to being the home of some of Australia’s great cultural institutions. But they also have this? Does anyone actually know?”

More to come.