Man Can’t Pick Up Bath Mat But Can Easily Carry Eight Schooners

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact

For the entirety of their seven year relationship, Jasmine Portea assumed her boyfriend Max Stepford had some kind of arthritic condition that stunted his basic grasping techniques, preventing him from ever picking up a bathmat or his filthy gym clothes.

However, as she sits at a table in O’Malley’s Irish Pub down at the Betoota Wharf she looks on in red-tinged disbelief as Stepford effortlessly carries eight full schooners back to their group.

While the rest of the crew cheer and offer back pats with the odd “legend” thrown in, Portea gives him a look that says ‘come here right fucking now’.

Speaking in hushed yet furious tones, Portea quickly cuts to the chase.

“What the hell, Max? So your hands suddenly work again?” she seethed.

A confused Max cocked his head to the side, unsure what to make of the allegation.

“How is it that you can carry six schooners, yet your hands can’t possibly pick up the bathmat?”

At this point the penny seemed to drop for Stepford, the cogs in his brain kicking into gear so slowly witnesses say they could hear them grinding against each other from across the room.

“Oh I–”

Just as Stepford was no doubt about to offer some kind of stellar defence, a friend beckoned the two of them back over to the table for a game of shoot, shag, marry. Stepford quickly scurried back over to the table, with the menacing eyes of Portea clearly conveying that this conversation is not over.

More to come.