Local Grazier Reckons AuctionsPlus Is Better Than TikTok Before Bursting Out Laughing At What His Neighbour Wants For His Narrow-Fucken-Knocked-Knee-Open-Faced-Two-Tooth-Wookatook-Ewes

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Simpson Desert wool and fat lamb producer has indulged himself this afternoon, spending some time in the office browsing his neighbour’s produce on AuctionsPlus before laughing hysterically at them.

With a couple of hours up his sleeve this idle Wednesday, area grazier Duncan Washbrook first had a look through the Queensland Country Life classifieds and got the giggles seeing someone in the classifieds was trying to sell a completely fucked 1998 Ford Trader for $8,000 before retiring to the office for a quick peruse of AuctionsPlus.

AuctionsPlus, for those whole just go to the supermarket and expect food to magically keep appearing there, is Australia’s largest online marketplace for buying and selling livestock WITOUT the need to physically attend a saleyard. Like many of his contemporaries, Washbrook was initially skeptical of the platform because he enjoyed the pageantry of going to the saleyards and then having 5 schooners afterwards and hoping the coppers were at home in their ugg boots watching Survivor or The Block and not waiting for them on the edge of town.

But he’s now a convert.

Though he told The Advocate that he rarely buys anything from AuctionsPlus, he loves going on it to see what ‘shithouse produce’ his ‘dumb fucken neighbours’ are trying to flog. Washbrook’s neighbours were earlier adaptors of the platform, adding to his initial skepticism.

“Look at these things,” Washbrook told our reporter.

What started as a soft chuckled began tumbling.

“Narrow fucked things there are. Knocked knee fucken look at the head on them. They fucken look like uptown dogs the cunsathings. What’s he reckon? Fucken two-tooth my fucken cats arse, they’re fucken tall as the fucken fence if these fucken things have got two fucked teeth then I’ve got two fucken cocks! Fuck me! I can’t stop!”

Washbrook was now wheezing and coughing and struggling to catch his breath.

“Oh fucken hell. Never in my life have I seen such shit on this website. Oh Christ! Jesus Christ, oh man.”

He then clicked composed himself a bit and shook his head. He apologised to our reporter before taking a sip of tea and clicking onto the next photo of the lot.

His tea slapped the computer monitor as a heavy mist. The next picture was a close up of one ewe’s head and for some reason, Washbrook found that even more amusing.

“LOOK… LOOK AT THE FUCKING THING!” he screamed.

More to come.