“I Don’t Have A Sweet Tooth” Says Dad Despite Evidence Someone Demolishes The Fruit & Nut After Everyone Has Gone To Bed

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Betoota Heights man has this week denied having any interest in confectionery or any sugar-based treats despite a string of late-night chocolate disappearances pointing squarely at him.

The man, 58-year-old father of three, Kevin McAuley, told family members on Sunday evening that he “doesn’t really eat sweets” after the last of a 180g block of Cadbury Fruit & Nut vanished from the fridge.

“I’m not a big chocolate person,” Kevin reportedly told family.

“And when I am, I’m partial to Darryl Lea. None of that Cadbury supermarket rubbish. Bit of rocky road. We’re talking biannually, like Christmas time and whatnot. I’m not a habitual sugar abuser.”

Witnesses in the McAuley household say Kevin has long maintained his innocence, insisting that his kids or mice must be responsible for the nocturnal chocolate raids.

“He says he doesn’t like chocolate but he’s always hanging around the kitchen after Lateline,” said his wife, Palomino.

“Sometimes I’ll hear the fridge door open and the sound of foil being unwrapped really slowly, like he’s trying to fool the dog. Then some soft moaning when he’s back in front of the tele. Whispers of emotion, too.”

The McAuley children, who have since moved out, confirmed that the old boy has form.

“He reckons he’s got no sweet tooth,” said eldest son Ben.

“But he’s been known to put honey on Weet-Bix, hoover a whole tray of Tim Tams while watching WW2: In Colour on Netflix and make sure trays of brownies that Mum makes aren’t ‘poisonous’.”

When contacted for comment on Monday morning, Kevin denied the allegations and expressed his disdain at being asked about it.

“Fuck, The Betoota (Advocate) was so much better a few years ago. Now, it’s just shit like this. Why are you upping me about my chocolate consumption,” he said.

“Here’s my comment. Suck my fruit and my nuts, you [homophobic remark redacted by legal]”

More to come.