Horrifying Climate Risk Assessment Finds Blah Blah Blah Who Gives A Shit Just Let Us Speculate On Property In Peace

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

More than a million Australians are at risk from sea levels rising by 2050 unless climate change can be stopped, according to Australia’s first national climate risk assessment.

Released today the report explained the horrifying consequences of blah blah blah why are you even reading this nobody actually gives a fuck do they I mean they just want to be left alone to climb the property ladder in peace don’t they?

However, some comfort can be found in that the Australians who will be worse off during the impending collapse of our ecosystem are invariably poor and/or dumb so again, it doesn’t really matter because as long as you’ve got your patch then everyone else can get fucked.

The report detailed how rising sea levels might impact people who live beside beaches and harbours, how they might lose their homes to the relentless, unrelenting power of the ocean but also create opportunities for other, less desirable properties to become waterfront, which is good for future investors who are locked out of bourgeois shitholes like Double Bay, Yeronga, Dalkeith and South Yarra as neighbouring suburbs could inherit their waterfront aspects.

Closer to home, locals across our cosmopolitan inland port city are predictably apathetic about the prospect of rising sea levels.

“We live in the middle of the Simpson Desert,” one brainiac explained to The Advocate.

“Sea levels aren’t front of mind for us. Also, how much hotter can it get out here? There’s not much difference between 40 degrees out here and 42. I can’t see climate change having much impact on me, personally. Maybe it’ll fuck up places like Bangladesh and the Maldives but who cares about them? As long as they don’t come here with their backwards attitudes and relatively short stature,”

“Plus, if it swallows up the homes of some harbourfront-living dickhead then that’s hilarious. I would actually piss myself if Malcolm Turnbull or whatever ended up having to doggy paddle to his kitchen each morning to make himself a cuppa tea or whatever. Suffer in his jocks, he will.”

More to come.