Hippy Hastie Implores Nation To Start Making Locally-Sourced, Fair-Trade EVs Again Like The Holden Volt

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A bongo-slapping loon that moonlights as a Member of Parliament has made the bold suggestion that foreigners make inferior motorcars that don’t live up to the expectations of the average Australian consumer anymore.

In addition to that statement, the Member for Canning and Shadow Home Affairs Minister Andrew Hastie has implored the nation to start building our own cars, from local ingredients and using local labour.

Using the Holden Volt as an example, which was a remarkably unpopular electric car originally made in America by General Motors and simply rebadged here for none-the-wiser consumers to buy, Hastie warned that our reliance on the “opium of Chinese shitboxes” leaves the nation at a strategic disadvantage.

Hastie pled his case in a short piece to camera, which was posted to his official Facebook page.

“Greetings, migloos,” Hastie said.

“For too long, we as a nation have been totally reliant on foreign countries to supply us with vehicles. In the event of global catastrophe or war, that seemingly un-turn-off-able tap will be twisted shut with the force of a thousand suns!”

“We used to make cars, like this for example.”

Hastie slapped the top of a 2013 Holden Volt, making a loud thump and leaving a visible dent next to the sunroof.

“This is Holden’s first EV. The Volt. And when it arrived here, people said it was gay. They were right. Just look at it, in 2013, this was the car for the uptown homosexual who was kept up at night by the prospect that his leased BMW 3-series was contributing to the planet’s death. But from the ashes of this gay, underpowered glorified golf cart will rise a mighty phoenix, it just needs to be properly funded and nationalised in a non-gay way. The opposite of the ABC.”

“If the Chinese can make a ute, we can. And it won’t be a pile of shit like that JAC thing. We all know about the Great Wall Steed, don’t we? Four drum brakes, all the size of a boot polish tin. Towing? You couldn’t even pull Granny off a scratchie with a Great Wall. What about the Mahindra? The Calcutta Cruiser? Tell you what India, you make the cheese garlic naan bread and butter chicken, we’ll make the farm utes.”

Despite making such a common-sense argument, the couch-enjoying, layabout, meek, stick-and-poke tattoo fat fuck left has taken the opportunity to put some disrespect on Hastie’s name over the video.

“What an idiot,” said some worthless blue-haired freak from some shithole capital city.

“I bet he wants us to drill, refine and distribute our own fossil fuels as well. And, oh my god, I bet he wants to hire red-blooded Australian blokes to do it, instead of bringing in some cool underclass of indentured workers from a really sick nation like Bangladesh or wherever.”

“Sorry, Hippy Hastie, I’m happy driving my clapped-out Volvo! A 2028 Holden Volt doesn’t exactly scream Art School, does it?”

More to come.