Government To Save Millions By Doing Next Census At Perfect Cross Section Of Middle Australia

KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT

In great news for the taxpayer, the Australian Government is hoping to save half a billion dollars by changing the way the next national census will be conducted.

In a joint presser held outside of the Roll’d banh mi shop located inside Brisbane airport food court, Treasurer Jim Chalmers and head of the Australian Bureau of Statistics, Dr. David ‘Data Daddy’ Gruen AO, announced the 2026 census will simply be held inside the terminal.

“In 2021, the national census cost taxpayers $585 million dollars, and we at the government understand this could be considered a grossly unnecessary waste of cash.”

“So instead, we’ve decided to simply send a bunch of uni students out to wander the airport with clipboards, and they’ll uncover all the demographic insights we need to know about the country.”

When asked why specifically Brisbane would be the best place to conduct the survey, Dr. David ‘Data Daddy’ says the airport provides the perfect sample size for middle class Australia.

“Look around mate, every departure gate at this airport represents suburban Australia!”

“You’ve got Hunter Valley high-vis blokes flying out to Isa for a FIFO swing, you’ve got North Queenslanders flying down to head to a game at The Cauldron.”

“As one plane load of south-west Melbourne girls arrive for a hens weekend, another plane of snobs from Noosa flies south to Adelaide or Tassie to check out the wineries.”

“A freight load of sandgropers just landed from Perth, some farm hands and agri-business specialists have flown up from Tamworth, and some 1st generation Western Sydney-ians have arrived to check out the theme parks.”

“And through it all, there’s just enough book licking pencil pushers from Sydney and Melbourne passing through to have meetings with their Brisbane office counterparts.”

“It’s got it all, plus a Boost Juice, a Peter Alexander and a Surf Dive, Ski! It’s got all bases covered!”

More to come.