Forget Carlton Draught Tank Beer! Introducing Carlton Matrix Where They Pour Beer Directly Into Your Fucking Brainstem

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The future of beer has arrived, and it’s bypassing the liver entirely. In a bold new step for the nation’s favourite amber fluid, Carlton & United Breweries have unveiled Carlton Matrix, a revolutionary new draught system that forces unpasteurised beer directly into the drinker’s brainstem.

Launched this week at the Gelded Seahorse Hotel, the new setup repurposes the classic copper tank system with a sleek stainless-steel neural delivery unit. Patrons recline in a dentist-style chair while a bartender plugs a chrome hose into the base of the skull. Within seconds, the customer’s eyes glaze over with the kind of euphoric serenity once reserved for tradies on their fourth pint at Friday knock-off.

“It’s brewery fresh, because it doesn’t even touch your mouth,” said Carlton’s Head of Beverage Innovation, Stuart ‘Fat Stuart’ Birkenshaw, as he sterilised a spigot in the pub’s bistro.

“No froth. No bloating. No awkward small talk at the bar. Just pure draught pleasure delivered straight to the nervous system.”

Local early adopter and human test subject, 34-year-old real estate professional Ben Frawley, described the experience as “like getting rimmed by a beluga whale.”

Critics have raised questions about safety and whether the Matrix system could lead to overconsumption. But according to Birkenshaw, that’s missing the point.

“We’re not just selling beer anymore,” he said.

“We’re selling schooners with Christ himself.”

As the first pub trial got underway, regulars were already lining up for their turn to get rimmed by the proverbial beluga.

More to come.