Fiancé Can’t Understand Why His Bone-Chillingly Politically Incorrect Mate Can’t Be Celebrant

KEITH T. DENNET | South | Contact

An argument is breaking out over a plate of corn fritters this morning, as a local couple start planning their wedding.

After eight years of dating, minus a wonky “six-month break” that is never spoken about, Betoota Lakes couple Kaylee Swanston and Darius Edwards are in the early stages of working out how they blow $75,000 on an eight hour period of fun.

And given they’re at the age where they have to attend the weddings of school mates or distant cousins every second month, the pair have begun taking notes in their phones after every wedding they attend.

So this morning, as they shake off a hangover after going to the wedding of two people from their CrossFit gym, Kayle and Darius decided it was time to talk celebrants.

Pondering for less than a second, Darius decided he’s put forward his problematic mate Brandon to the task, despite the fact his friend is the type who regularly shares red hot comedy clips to his Instagram stories, or appears in the comment sections of online news articles with a racist take on what’s happening in the media.

“You know what, I reckon Brandon could do it!” offered Darius, “He’s pretty funny, all you have to be is funny…”

Eyes twitching at the thought of Darius’ most rogue mate being the one who helps them recite their vows, it didn’t take long before Kaylee shut down the suggestion from her dumb-as-bricks boyfriend, and his solution of having a walking HR complaint MC their wedding.

“No, absolutely not,” fired back Kaylee, choking on a mouthful strip of bacon.

“Did you hear what he was saying about his new neighbours the other day, or the stuff about his work’s new pronoun policy, as if he’s the one you’d trust him with the most important 20 minutes of our lives!”

“Can you imagine the shit he’d say at the alter, particularly when my Dad and both of his divorced wives are sitting in the front rows?”