Entire Country (Except Woollahra) Finds Plan To Turn Woollahra Into New Zetland Extremely Humorous

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The rest of Australia has today experienced an unexpected burst of collective joy, after NSW Premier Chris Minns confirmed plans to rezoning Woollahra and Edgecliffe to squeeze in 10,000 new apartments, effectively turning some of Sydney’s most exclusive postcodes into Zetland-by-the-Bay.

Speaking on Sunday, Minns conceded the policy wouldn’t bring universal happiness, though analysts have noted the only unhappy people appear to be those currently near or around the proposed developments, most of whom have never once felt universal happiness unless it involved negative gearing or a French bulldog.

The Premier also revealed the government would finally give Woollahra its own heavy rail station, meaning that, for the first time in recorded history, locals might actually interact with people that went to public school.

While the rest of the nation took turns wiping tears of laughter from their eyes, Woollahra homeowners were reportedly preparing for what they described as “social collapse.” One resident, Geraldine Meinz-Smythe, told The Advocate she was “deeply concerned” that the new apartments might allow ugly people to move into the area, stealing the proposed apartments from people like her pathetically overweight grandson.

“This is going to destroy our way of life,” Geraldine explained via wired telephone this morning.

“What happens when you let normal Australians into Woollahra? Who’s going to make sure no brown criminal gangs don’t alight at the new station? Who’s going to keep the noise down? What if they put a McDonalds in Double Bay? Do you even realise the cultural consequences?”

Urban planners have pointed out that Woollahra residents may soon face the unimaginable horror of sharing a postcode with renters with bad teeth, international students and the terrifying possibility of someone who doesn’t know what an offset account is.

Meanwhile, the rest of the country has been left howling with delight. In Sydney’s west, a group of tradies were seen openly giggling at the thought of an El Jannah in Rose Bay.

As one Sydney renter told The Advocate this morning, “I can’t wait for Woollahra to look like Zetland. High-rises, bubble tea, vape shops, late-night buses… Let’s see how they like a bit of density. Maybe then I’ll finally be able to afford a one-bedder within 45 minutes of the CBD.”

For the first time since the Tillies run at the World Cup, Australia is united.

Everyone except Woollahra.

More to come.