England’s Barmy Army Reveal Preparations For Arduous Journey To Australia From Bondi Beach

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Barmy Army has revealed its travel plans for this summer’s Ashes tour, with most supporters preparing for the long and difficult journey to Australia from their homes in Bondi Beach.

According to the BBC, only three per cent of ticketholders this year are actually travelling from England. The rest already live in Australia, mostly in inner-city Sydney, Melbourne and Perth, where they now outnumber the locals in hospitality jobs and share houses.

“We’ll be leaving early to make it on time for the first ball,” said marketing professional Tom Lacey, 32, who moved from Surrey in 2016 and now pays $820 a week for a two-bedroom apartment he shares with six other Englishmen.

“You’ve got to prepare for these kinds of trips. I’ll pack light. Bucket hat, portable speaker, and a few hundred pounds for mid-strength beer. Make sure the old Opal card is primed and ready for the 333 up the hill.”

Local media said the numbers reflect the unique migration pattern of modern English supporters, noting that many have already made the permanent move due to England’s worsening cultural and societal decline.

“Frankly, most of them have been here since before the last Ashes,” said one popular cricket journalist.

“If they’re not in Bondi, they’re in Bronte. The poorer ones live up on the peace wall that borders County Coogee (Contae Chuigí). You hear them before you see them.”

British authorities have blamed Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s refusal to sign off on additional leave for young professionals, preventing many would-be travellers from attending.

Analysts say England now has more citizens in Sydney’s eastern suburbs than in Manchester, Leeds and Sheffield combined. It is expected that by 2028, most of England’s working-age population will be renting in Australia and calling it temporary.

More to come.