“Yeah, These Kids Need To Get Off Social Media” Says Man With A Burn Scar From A Botched Sparkler Bomb

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A local millennial man Jared Heath (35) has today reaffirmed his belief that the kids need to go touch some grass.

The man, who has a huge burn mark across his hand from a botched sparkler bomb accident in 1993, claims that the kids are far better off when they’re not in the house using technology.

“Remember that game where you used to get someone to push on your chest at the same time you breathed out causing you to faint?” Jared recounted.

“What happened to that? I used to love that game!”

“Kids are missing out on so much these days” Jared lamented.

The 35 year old, who used to glue thumbtacks to the floor, believes social media creates anti-social young people.

“They’re stuck to their screens, scrolling and liking, but they’re not living,” he said, gesturing animatedly as he recalled his own childhood antics.

“we used to spend hours upon hours throwing rocks at cars” not only was it invigorating, we learnt about ourselves and the world around us.

Jared says he will continue to encourage young people to experience the joys of the great outdoors.