While many Australians in their early thirties are having a serious think about starting a family or selling the odd organ to afford property, Andrew Kelso (31) has other more pressing matters on his mind. 

Instead of counting down days until Christmas, Kelso had much more maturely been counting down the days until the third Tom Holland Spiderman film came out, for better or for worse.

“I was a little bit concerned after watching the three minute trailer and the three hour breakdown of the three minute trailer,” stated Kelso, who is worried that the superhero threequel film may fail to round out the trilogy. 

“Sony man, you can just never trust them to do the right thing.”

As a 31-year-old man, Kelso has lived through all the modern Spiderman films, including the certified clunkers Spiderman 3 and The Amazing Spiderman 2 that ended the Spiderman careers of Toby Maguire and Andrew Garfield respectively. 

Despite common sense dictating that this new movie is likely to be OK at best, Kelso is praying for the film to be good with the type of religious vigour his mum wishes he could apply to getting a girlfriend and having kids. 

“Can’t be worse than Rhino. They had Paul Giamatti dressed up as a weird Russian gangster who is in it for like three minutes and they used every minute of that in the trailer and we didn’t even get to see him fight Spiderman like what the fuck was that about? Seriously, you couldn’t waste another actor’s time with that shit? It had to be Paul Giamatti! Guy’s got shit to do!”


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