ABS Updates Definition Of Gen X To Boomers That Like Star Wars And The Prodigy

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) has today confirmed a long-suspected truth, that Generation X is functionally indistinguishable from Baby Boomers, except for a soft spot for Star Wars and a tendency to crank The Prodigy.

Releasing its revised guidelines for demographic categorisation, the ABS said the change was “long overdue” after decades of denial from a cohort that believes itself to be rebellious, centre-right, misunderstood and somehow cooler than the people who raised them.

“After crunching the numbers, we can confidently say Gen Xers share the same traits as their Boomer parents. Boorishness, churlishness, and a lifelong commitment to putting themselves first,” an ABS spokesperson said.

“The only notable difference is that they’ll happily tell you Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back is better than A New Hope and they still pop a whole sheet of Voltaren after an evening of Tecktonik dancing to ‘Firestarter’ at someone’s second wedding.”

The Bureau noted that this revelation will help streamline future census questions, with entire sections on “Gen X values” scrapped as redundant.

“We were wasting taxpayer money pretending these people were distinct,” the spokesperson added.

“They still vote against their kids’ interests, negatively gear their short-term let properties and demand government subsidies for breathing. They just do it in Millennium Falcon T-shirts.”

Betoota Heights resident Darren, a 54-year-old homeowner who recently retired after delivery pizzas for Eagle Boys for 30 years, offered a different opinion.

“Mate, I’m nothing like my old man,” he said while berating a barista for charging 50 cents extra for soy milk.

“He fought in Vietnam. I saw Fatboy Slim in ’98 at General Jacksons. Worlds apart. I am bisexual but old enough for that to not be OK in Western Queensland.”

The ABS confirmed that all future statistical tables will now simply list “Boomers (Star Wars & Prodigy version)” between 1946 and 1980.

More to come.