Twink, Taylor, Soldier, Spy - Who Will Be The Next Leader Of The Liberal Party?

CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT

Sussan Ley's leadership is on life support. The Federal Coalition has split for the second time in 6 months.

This comes not even a year after they were handed the biggest loss since Federation at the 2025 Federal election.

There were many questions that needed to be asked after such a result. Namely, how will the Liberal Party ever win back their blue ribbon seats. How are they going to engage with multicultural communities? Why do they give 18-55 year old women such an ick that their skin crawls.

94 seats later, and none of these questions have been answered, or even contemplated.

The Liberal party's sensible moderates have been either voted out or bullied out by the big swinging dicks, and the only policies they actually took to their last election were written by their far-right friends from Sky News.

Meanwhile, the National Party appears hellbent on proving that they do not answer to the Liberals, even though they will never be able to form government without literally answering to a Liberal leader.

This me-first approach to politics has shown voters a near psychotic streak of narcissism within the Opposition, with the Nationals first deciding to split from the Coalition in late 2025, as Sussan Ley's mother was on her deathbed.

After realising all of their frontbenchers were going to have to take a paycut before Christmas, the Nationals then decided to re-unite with the Liberals - before eventually deciding to do it again today. On the day of National mourning for the Bondi attacks.

The tone-deafness and lack of de-escalation skills between warring factions has almost become amusing, as Australians begin to get used to the idea that their probably won't be a Federal Opposition moving forward - and the next election might be the end of the Coalition for good.

From their disdain for scientists, to their disdain for the media, to their disdain for the voters for 'getting it wrong' - the Coalition is nowhere near being electable.

The average Liberal Party member is an 80-year-old suburban male who made millions through property-hoarding and feels uncomfortable when Asians walk past them at the foodcourt. The average voter is a 37-year-old women who works in a services role and has at least one parent that was born overseas.

The party is so fucked that there is even a growing sense of sympathy within the electorate for Sussan Ley, who has been placed in the drivers seat of a 1966 Ford Thunderbird Convertible and is now being chased off a glass cliff at 90 miles per hour, Thelma and Louise style.

But even if she did what literally every other Australian watching this slow motion car-crash would do and resigned - who could possibly spare her from this misery?

The next four candidates that are in line to destroy their professional reputations by taking the reins of a terminal Federal Opposition are as follows.

TWINK

Tim Wilson MP, the Member for Goldstein.

Tim Wilson made a name for himself in the lead up to the 2022 election, when he told younger Australians that the answer to solving the housing crisis was to drain their superannuation accounts of retirement savings. He then lost his seat to a Teal. With no need for gainful employment, he then spent three years pretending he was still the local member in Melbourne's bayside. The Liberal base agrees that he'd probably be the most appropriate bloke to spill against Ley - because gay blokes are basically the same as sheilas in their eyes. He also has form when it comes to taking down women, because after 4 recounts he actually won his seat back in 2025 (by 175 votes). The AEC made multiple complaints about his fixated behaviour, including but not limited to, him randomly rocking up to their offices with a cake to 'see how the votes were going'. He then nicknamed himself 'The Teal Slayer' which is kind of weird language to be using in a country that is dealing with an epidemic of gendered violence - while representing a party that already has a major problem appealing to female voters.

TAYLOR

Angus Taylor MP, the Member for Hume.

Angus Taylor is the type of Liberal you used to see on TV in the 1990s. Extremely rich with a nice enough jawline. He's made hundreds of millions of dollars through agricultural co-ops, as well as other things*. This is why it was surprising that The Federal Opposition didn't seem to have a tax policy, or even an economic policy, going into the 2025 election when Taylor was the Shadow Treasurer. Dutton has accused him of white-anting his leadership during the campaign. He's also gone missing for the last few months. So maybe he actually is a genius and planned this the entire collapse a year ago. However, his habit of accidentally congratulating himself for his bold policies and strong leadership on Facebook - from his own account - would probably suggest otherwise. Also, it's probably worth looking up his bizarre feud with the Lord Mayor of Sydney.

SOLDIER

Andrew Hastie MP, the Member for Canning

When the dust settled from the bloodbath 2025 election, Hastie appeared to be the only legitimate candidate for Liberal leadership. Then all of a sudden he started posting rather unhinged far-right shit on social media. Some would say this was just a tactic to destabilise Ley, which in itself points to the old fashioned Liberal habit of letting their burning ambitions get ahead of them. Dutton also accused Hastie of white-anting his leadership as Defence Minister. But then again, Dutton's people also accused Ley of doing the same. Maybe Dutton was just a shit leader. As a war hero and a Christian family man, Hastie represents the 'safe pair of hands' type of Liberal leader that Australians used to crave before Trump and Putin ruined the 'strongman' brand. As of last night, Hastie is currently arguing online with faceless far-right social media accounts who are trolling him for voting for the hate speech bill. There may be a lesson in this for Hastie about the perils of courting this crowd.

SPY

Dan Tehan MP, the Member for Wannon

Nobody knows much about Dan Tehan, and that might be his strongest asset. In a party full of deeply damaged and scandal-ridden degenerates, being a nameless cleanskin is far more electable than even having a CV. Maybe nobody knows who he is because of his obscure line of work before entering parliament. He worked for DFAT and other vague 'diplomatic' agencies in Cuba and Mexico City in the 1990s, and it's probably fair enough to say that he wasn't negotiating a good deal for Australia on cigar and rum imports. In fact, it reads like he had the type of job where it's better if people don't know your name at all. His biggest hurdle at this point is the fact that he's probably not going to survive the next election, because the former Triple J announcer turned Independent candidate - Alex Dyson - has run the ball up at him three times with ever-shrinking margins. Will the hometown Independent have another crack at Tehan in 2028? If Dyson does, it could very well send the Liberal party broke, because in 2025 the party reportedly spent $2 million on saving this Western Victorian seat alone.