Tube Of Quick-Eze No Match For Mid-30s Hangover

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact

A 30-something southside man has been left clutching at his chest this morning after his go-to heartburn cocktail has failed to even touch the sides.

Writhing in pain on the couch, a hungover and sweaty Kevin Tefal looked at the shredded Quickeze pack and wondered how it had got to this.

“Did a raccoon get into those? Surely it wasn’t me..”

Alas, it was Kevin. Teddy cam footage recovered from the scene shows a slovenly Kevin rolling over and eating the entire tube of chewable heartburn tablets in one sitting, and then sculling dregs from surrounding cups when the chalkiness of the tablets became too much.

“But my heart still hurts.. They must have changed the recipe.”

Unfortunately for a disbelieving Kevin, the Quickeze recipe has not changed. What has changed though is Kevin’s age and ability to handle 10 espresso martinis and 0.7g of cocaine.

Desperate for a solution, Kevin peeled himself off the couch and began to create his own concoction consisting of bi-carb soda and milk.

“Please.. Don’t look at me..”

Reports from Kevin’s neighbours suggest that his heartburn moonshine is not working if his pathetic groans are anything to go by. Our reporters will keep an eye on this developing story.

More to come.