Trump Reminded That Greenland Is Technically Half Australian So Fuck Off Mate

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has taken time on his first day back at the office today to send a message to his American counterpart.

The semi-autonomous island nation of Greenland is not just a frozen Danish outpost in the North Atlantic, it's actually half-Australian and should be treated as such.

Australia is entitled to half of the Kingdom of Denmark because the Queen of that interesting but ultimately quite odd part of the world is from Tasmania.

Mary, Queen of Denmark, was born Mary Donaldson in Hobart and famously met then Prince Frederik at Sydney's famous Slip Inn during the 2000 Olympiad. Becoming Queen a few years ago, it cemented Australia's claim over Greenland.

Speaking to The Advocate this morning, Albanese told our reporter that Australia has reminded "Donnie" that should he fuck with Greenland, our military will have to intervene.

"He understands that, you know, uh, that Greenland is as Australian, as uh, you know, Norfolk Island or, uh, that, uh, that one between, uh, Tasmania and, uh, Antarctica," said the PM.

"Donnie, uh, said he understood what was going on and, uh, he respects Australia's claim to Greenland, but, uh, yeah that, uh won't be changing what his, uh, desired outcome is,"

"We, are, not, uh, gonna be sending the SAS in, to, uh, you know, kidnap the bloke or, you know, do what they do best and, uh, delete enemies of the Commonwealth with reckless abandon [laughs] but yeah, look, he knows that, uh, Greenland is technically, ours, uh, so there's that."

The Advocate was provided a written statement from Queen Mary, which is produced in full below. No translation service was able to provided a fit and proper translation for it.

“Grønland er en del af Kongeriget Danmark, og hvis man stadig ikke har forstået det, så er man ærligt talt bare en dum kraftidiot.

Det er ikke en handel, man kan fucke rundt med, så folk burde trække vejret, holde kæft og tage snakken senere på dagen.”

More to come.