Trendy Melbourne Bartender Unwittingly Clocks On For A Ten Hour Shift In Actual Hell

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Melbourne-based hospitality operator, Roy Fitz (33) has no idea that the cricket pitch at the MCG is covered in 10mm of grass that makes for a very fast-paced batting collapse for both sides.

He also has no idea that England has just won their first test match in Australia after brutal streak of 18 losses.

In fact, he has no idea that The Ashes are even on. He doesn't know what the Ashes are.

As far as Roy is concerned, the city of Melbourne has paused their famous nightlife for Christmas break, and tonight's patrons will be a mix of foreign students and exhausted locals who are taking a break from their extended families.

How wrong he is.

Because several thousand English tourists are currently in his home city - with two items on their itinerary. First, they want to see England win a test match. And two, they want to drink as much piss as humanly possible.

As of 45 minutes ago, they just ticked off the first thing on their to-do-list.

This is a problem for hospitality operators like Roy. Because they've only got one more thing to do.

This comes as England avoid an Ashes clean sweep in a very weird and equally exciting two-day Test in Melbourne.

Their fans, known as the Balmy Army, are currently vacating the MCG and making as much noise as possible. They are looking for pubs, and they will not stop drinking lager for the entire three more days that this test was meant to go for.

England chased 175 to win on the second evening of the fourth Test, leaving the series at 3-1 before the finale in Sydney.

While the Aussies might view today's result as the Poms simply 'saving the face' - the Balmy Army view it as a glorious moment in British sporting history... And they plan on telling the most uninterested bartender in the Southern Hemisphere all about it.