ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
The nation's energy giants have today expressed their disappointment as Treasurer Jim Chalmers confirmed that the long-running Commonwealth programme of giving them free money will finally wrap up in 2026.
Speaking from Canberra, Chalmers told reporters the government could no longer justify tipping billions into what economists had come to describe as Australia's largest and most enthusiastic charity drive for electricity retailers. He said the programme, known in some circles as the quarterly $75 Vote For Labor payment, had done its job and it was time to "shift the way we deliver cost-of-living relief."
The Treasurer also noted that the RBA's decision to hold interest rates this week meant the economy was "stable enough for power companies to learn how to stand on their own two feet again", despite no evidence they have ever done so in the past.
"The best welfare is a job, or, uh, finding new ways to created power cheaply?" Chalmers posited to our reporter at the Manuka's Public Bar urinal.
"Put that in your article, you big poof. I'll have another Asahi, too, you've done enough sponsored content this month to buy me one, haven't you?"
While households had been told the subsidy was to help with their bills, insiders say the money mostly acted as a cuddle for the gentailers, who reportedly enjoyed the government's weird generosity so much that some executives have already begun bracing for shareholder backlash.
Cabinet sources say extending the programme would have cost another $2 billion, money the Treasurer believes could be better spent on things that actually exist in the real world, like travel entitlements for senior politicians, demolishing Queanbeyan and replacing it with nothing and budgets that don't look like Paul Keating's photocopied neo-liberal arse cheeks.
Shadow Treasurer Ted O'Brien criticised the move but nobody cares what he thinks because he look and sounds like the Aldi-version of Scott Morrison.
Despite fears of higher bills ahead, the Treasurer insisted Australians would adapt, pointing out that our national pastime has long been complaining about energy prices regardless of what they are.
"We know this is tough, but it’s the right call," Chalmers said.
"Just get solar panels and a battery for night time. If you can't afford that then you're really not trying, are you? If you live in a flat then God help you."
More to come.
