The Greens urge people to stop farting in 2016

31 December, 2015. 11:34

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IT’S A LEADING cause of greenhouse emissions. Socialists moan about it all the time. Scientists have told us for years that it’s going to end up dooming the planet.

Methane occurs naturally in the environment but the overwhelming majority of it comes from deep in the bowels of livestock and people who tell other people to do their bit to help nature.

“When people pass wind, an area the size of a broadsheet is opened up in the ozone,” said Greens leader Richard Di Natale. “Next year, we’re sending out a memo to our members that they need to stop farting and listening to The Flaming Lips over a glass of chardonnay. We need to set the example.”

However, as most Australians know, some farts are simply unavoidable.

The Greens have a set of guidelines should this unimaginable scenario happen. Rather than let the fart disappear into the wind, they suggest finding a windless place – such as a car or quiet alcove, to fart into a paper bag, which can then be recycled.

“Only pass wind into a paper bag if you plan on recycling it,” said De Natale. “Brown paper takes over a week to break down. But just think how much damage you’ve done to the world already? A dozen beers a day, drizzled over turkey, ham and mince pies. You’d be able to fill up a wheat bag with fart.”

“My recycling bin is full of my farts.”