Sydney Beaches Turn Black As Malabar Sewage Plant Unable To Withstand Sudden Strain Of Guinness Bogs

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Sydney's beaches have turned black this afternoon, as the costal suburbs with significant Irish populations begin to override the city's wastewater infrastructure.

According to the 2021 Australian Bureau of Statistics Census, there were 22,399 people born in Ireland living in Greater Sydney. This number would have tripled, or even quadrupled in the years since the pandemic - as a generation of Irish youth flee the post-lockdown economic malaise that has struck the Emerald Isle.

This means that nearly 100,000 young visa-holders, all of whom are wearing synthetic Gaelic football jerseys, are currently rotating back and forth from the john, and emptying their guts into the sewage system.

However, it appears that Sydney doesn't seem have the infrastructure to cope with this much fully digested jet-black stout.

Earlier this year, the NSW environment watchdog ordered Sydney Water to remove the enormous 'fatberg' that was clogging the deepwater outfall pipe at Malabar's wastewater treatment plant.

This came after multiple investigations from the ABC and Guardian revealed the growing fatberg was responsible for the 'poo balls' that closed Sydney's beaches last summer.

The poo balls were initially thought to be oil-based, but scientific examination found that they were made up of poo, disintegrating hygiene products, and cocaine. Which in hindsight is a fairly good cross-section of what is being flushed down the toilets in South Sydney every day.

However, work was unable to begin on the Malabar Wastewater Treatment plant before today's significant Irish holiday, leaving the entire facility straining to keep up with the influx of Guinness grog bogs that are beginning to

Known collaquially as the 'Black Anaconda' - the Guinness grog bog is by far the most dense out of all groggin' bogs.

Right across Sydney's south-east today - high fluid intake, caffeine, nicotine and alcohol is speeding up the digestive tracts of St Paddy's day revellers, while reducing water absorption.

This has resulted in untreated discharge spilling over the cliffs of Malabar and back into the beaches.

Emergency services are begging locals to avoid swimming this evening, and to watch out for sharks looking for a drunken feed in the days to come.