Sunkissed Pom Stumbles Upon What He Considers One Of The Greatest Beaches On Earth

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A visiting English cricket fan has today declared a patch of rocks and river sludge at Kangaroo Point to be one of the greatest beaches on earth after spending the morning searching for a place to cool off before the Test match begins on Thursday.

The man arrived in Brisbane already sunburnt after a 120 minute layover in Dubai where he was forced to board his connecting flight via a bus and a staircase. He told The Advocate the short walk across the tarmac "burnt him like a passed out drunk's forgotten pizza in the oven" and that he had never felt anything like it in his life.

His first stop was South Bank. He said he had been looking forward to a dip until he saw a vagrant wade into the lagoon and begin shampooing their hair.

"That's not cricket," he said.

"You cannot be washing yourself like that in a public pool. I nearly spewed. My first impression of Australia. Disgusting!"

He later caught up with our reporter at the Story Bridge Hotel where he stood in the beer garden in a white singlet, blue speedos and no shoes. Upon taking his first sip of local beer through his front teeth he winced sharply. When asked why he drank like that he said "It's what we do back home. Helps cool the tongue. Hurts like hell today though. Fook me, this cold."

Speaking about his discovery at Kangaroo Point he said he could not believe his luck.

"This is the best beach I’ve ever seen," he said.

"No crowds. No bloody foreigners. You go to Spain and it's full of Spanish people. Snooty cunts they are. Here it’s just me and the rocks and what a view!"

He said he would be returning tomorrow with a towel and a carton to "make a proper day of it" at what he now considers Brisbane's premier beach.

More to come.