Australian billionaire Mike Cannon-Brookes has been ordered to head down to Redfern and get a proper tune-up as soon as possible – that’s if he wants to be embraced as the newest celebrity owner of the the South Sydney Rabbitohs rugby league club.

The 41-year-old Atlassian founder and mortal enemy of Scott Morrison now joins Hollywood actor Russell Crowe and casino mogul James Packer after it was revealed he had purchased one third of the company that owns 75 per cent of the Rabbitohs.

The Bunnies are the latest addition to the tech entrepreneur’s growing portfolio of assets. However, it is one investment that he insists is a lot closer to his heart – as an alleged fan of the storied rugby league side. A claim that even Rusty has backed.

However, the Rabbitohs members, who own the remaining 25% of the club, have demanded that Cannon-Brookes go and visit a Turkish or Lebanese barber immediately, that’s if he wants to prove that he is legitimately SSTID (South Sydney Till I Die).

The tech guru’s whispy post-lockdown beard is believed to have rubbed the fanbase the wrong way, given the club’s close ties to the Indigenous and Arab communities of Sydney’s inner-south.

“Yeah. He’s gonna have to tune that face up” said club legend Mario Fenech.

“He’s got two options, he can rock a soup saver like me… That will keep those wharfies down there in Botany happy”

“Or he’s gonna have to get a bit more Mediterranean with that neckline”

Former Australian cricketing legend and Bunnies tragic, Mike Whitney agrees.

“I know the Koori community would prefer a goatee, but we also have to consider our Lebanese brothers and sisters from Cleveland street”

“They will want a beard that looks like it’s been laser cut. And right now MCB is looking like Leo in The Revenant”

Cannon-Brookes has reportedly agreed to the terms of the club members, claiming that the last thing he wants to look like is “some Johnny Come Lately Redfern Gentrifier”.

“I’m excited and humbled to be a part of this iconic club” said Cannon-Brookes said.

“And obviously I understand the concerns surrounding my Too-Rich-To-Care-About-Basic-Grooming facial hair”

At time of press, the new co-owner was seen exiting Headz Up Barbershop on Redfern Street with a “Josh Mansour”.


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