Special Report: How Long Until We Can Start Licking These Again?

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT

After month’s of research the World Health Organisation (WHO) has released a highly anticipated report outlining exactly when we can expect life to return to normal and be able to lick traffic signal buttons again.

In order to minimise the spread of COVID-19, responsible citizens have taken up new public practices such as social distancing and not using the greengrocer as an unpaid therapist who also has gossip.

Perhaps the hardest comfort to kick is the cool and tangy lick of one of the nation’s most accessible pieces of infrastructure while you’re waiting for the green man.

“Yeah, it’s hard to have to keep hitting it with my elbow when I know what I’d rather be doing,” stated Betoota University student Bentley O’Toole (19).

“Knowing I could go into town and lick one of our fine electric Blarney Stones is what got me out of bed most days.”

Like most Australians, O’Toole was relieved by The WHO findings that traffic signal buttons will be back on the menu as early as 2021 with the Northern Territory considering moving it forward to July 2020.

“Can’t wait. Until then, I’ll keep sucking on this twenty-cent piece.”