Slow Learner's Room Begins Emitting Jumanji-Like Drumbeat That Only Blokes On Their Third Schooner Can Hear

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Management at the Betoota Heights Workingmen's Club have denied reports that a low, rhythmic drumbeat has been emanating from the Slow Learner's Room since approximately 2:30pm this afternoon.

Yet multiple patrons have confirmed they can hear it.

"It started around my third schooey," said local project manager Davo Hargreaves, 54, who arrived at the Workies at 1:45pm with a plan to have a quiet couple and be home for a stir fry by six.

"Sort of a boom-boom-boom coming from down the corridor. Like something wants me to go in there."

Barperson Kellie Thornton, who has worked at the Workies for eleven years, says she hears nothing. She never does. But she knows the signs.

"Three beers, then the head turns," she said.

"Every time. They all look down that corridor like they've just heard their name called at a hospital they didn't check into."

Thornton says the drumbeat appears to be selective. It does not call to blokes on their first beer. It does not call to anyone who has driven. It exclusively targets men between their third and fifth schooner who have somewhere else they're supposed to be.

"It's the ones who've told someone they'll be home by six," she said.

"Those are the ones it wants."

Hargreaves was last seen feeding a pineapple into Pelican Pete at 1:22pm with the resigned calm of a man who knows exactly what he's doing and is going to do it anyway.

His wife Bec has reportedly texted twice. He has read both.

More to come.