Scott Morrison Reminds Women To Avoid ‘Needless Anxiety’ Over Rapists

LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT

Seeing as how no one has mentioned climate change in a while, self-described ‘Social Media Ninja’ Scott Morrison, clocked on to his job as Prime Minister and dusted off an old phrase he hoped would ease the millions of Australians who believe rape allegations should be investigated.

Upon being cornered by the press Mr Morrison decided to give these words of comfort to women across the nation.

“I know how deeply women feel about this issue, it’s been non-stop at home mate but enough about that,” stated Morrison, pausing while a staffer behind held a hastily written sign reading ‘LAUGH.’

“The last thing I would want to impose on any woman is needless anxiety over rapists. They’ve got enough to worry about with Women’s Day coming up! And that’s without even mentioning what’s for dinner!”

“The women, I mean, not the rapists.”

When asked why he had not read the account of the historical rape allegation against Attorney General Chirstian Porter, Mr Morrison repeated the question in an American accent, making snapping gestures with his hands.

“Just don’t worry about it and it will go away. C’mon, don’t worry be happy mon!”