Hope For Planet Restored As Lachlan Murdoch Wins Bid To Succeed His Living Australian Treasure Father Rupert Murdoch

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The world breathed a sigh of relief today as Lachlan Murdoch, the slightly less American son of Living Australian Treasure Rupert Murdoch, was confirmed as the heir to the family’s global misinformation empire.

From his relatively humble beginnings in Adelaide’s upper class, Rupert clawed his way up from owning a small local paper to systematically bringing entire Western democracies to their knees. By sheer guile and a trademark hard-nosed Australian panache, Rupert discovered that English and American audiences were inherently docile, stupid and dangerously susceptible to any narrative that made them feel less docile and stupid. He was so good at exploiting their little ant brains that former PM Bob Hawke forced Rupert, at gunpoint, to hand back his Australian passport before fleeing to America, where he successfully claimed asylum.

The result was an export greater than iron ore, wool, wine or Kylie Minogue combined. News Corp.

“Rupert’s always been a battler,” said one family friend.

“Taking advantage of the Poms and the Yanks has always been his life’s work. That kind of legacy can only be carried on by a true Aussie, not some artsy Londoner or male pilates doer Manhattanite.”

While Rupert’s sanctimonious children James, Elisabeth and Prudence did their best to block Lachlan from carrying on the family trade of undermining democracy and assassinating the character of common bogans seeking high office, the old man ultimately decided that Lachy had inherited just enough Australian-ness to keep the empire’s spirit alive.

James, by comparison, has spent far too long in America. Being entirely American makes him wholly unfit to run News Corp, which despite owning Fox News, The Sun and the Wall Street Journal, is still one of Australia’s proudest exports.

Lachlan’s coronation ensures the next generation of dumb, docile Yanks and Poms will continue to be pummelled into submission by an outlet that was dreamed up in the Adelaide Club courtyard and exported worldwide with the kind of energy that’d blow Mike Cannon-Brookes’ beard off.

“If you can’t appreciate what Rupert has done, you’re probably a blue-haired leftie and overweight for reasons you say are out of your control,” said one media analyst.

“C’mon Aussie!”

More to come.