Royal Commissioner Dyson Heydon To Be Replaced By Dyson Airblade™

18 August, 2015. 11:10

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Prime Minister Abbott has announced a “hygienic compromise” today after Labor’s insistence that Royal Commissioner Dyson Heydon should resign or be dismissed from the inquiry into trade unions, following the revelation that he had booked to speak at a fundraiser in support of the NSW Liberal Party.

The Federal Government has made its position clear, The Royal Commission into Trade Union governance and Corruption will continue under a new Royal Commissioner: The Dyson Airblade™.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott was unequivocal when he said that Heydon’s performance in his role had been “absolutely beyond reproach” – But was unfortunately a victim of his own social status.

“Yeah, he probably shouldn’t have been so blatant about getting in bed with us. Probably didn’t need to RSVP to that event… Godammit Baird,”

“Our new Commissioner is a hygienic compromise for all involved. An apolitical innovation in the world of Union sanitisation, one that will be able to finish the job on this mess,”

“The Dyson Airblade™ will ensure that no hands are dirty at the end of this”

Education Minister Christopher Pyne said Labor was “bashing the umpire” in order to escape political damage from the inquiry – but was optimistic about the future of the Royal Commission now that it will be headed by the golden child of British vacuum magnate Sir James Dyson.

“I am a big fan of the new Royal Commissioner. I believe The Airblade™ will be efficient and indifferent to those who stand before it,”

Whether it’s former Labor leaders or your run-of-the-mill bikie-affiliated union thug. No one gets past the Airblade,”

“It’s practice is world renowned, as is the Airblade’s class and dry sense of humour”

“The Dyson Airblade™ can’t be greased. It might sound like hot air, but I think we will benefit from the hands-on approach”