Report: Snotty Toddler Nose And Chernobyl’s ‘Elephant Foot’ Are Essentially One And The Same

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A new report from the CSIRO has found that the mucus streaming from the nose of an Australian toddler is “functionally identical” to Chernobyl’s infamous radioactive mass known as the Elephant Foot.

The study, released Tuesday, describes both substances as highly toxic, unstable, and capable of causing severe illness after even brief exposure.

“The Elephant Foot remains one of the most dangerous objects on Earth,” said Dr Helen Beasley, a senior CSIRO virologist.

“It emits radiation strong enough to kill a person within minutes. A toddler’s nose, while not radioactive, can have much the same effect on a household, a workplace or an aircraft cabin.”

Researchers concluded that exposure to respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), commonly carried in the constant mucus of children under five, has comparable outcomes to catastrophic radiation poisoning, particularly among young men.

“For a healthy male in his twenties, one sneeze from a daycare child is the biological equivalent of receiving 500 rems of ionising radiation,” Beasley said.

“Not great, not terrible. It will incapacitate the subject for weeks. Symptoms include fever, delirium, respiratory collapse, and loud declarations of impending death.”

The report urges the public to exercise extreme caution. Even limited contact, it warns, can result in the spread of infection to entire households.

Parents say the findings confirm what they have long suspected.

“I’ve travelled through Southeast Asia. I’ve drunk bore water in the Channel Country. None of that came close to what my two-year-old brought home from kindy,” said Betoota Heights father David Turner.

“One runny nose ended up shutting down our whole street. I had a 40 degree fever and saw visions of my long-gone grandmother shooting hoops with Andrew Gaze. It was awesome.”

The CSIRO has advised that further study is needed to determine if toddler snot can ever be made safe, but at present, “distance remains the only reliable protection” and we all should be familiar with that given the indignity of 2020-22.

More to come.