Report: No One Cares That You Know What The Dow Jones Is

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact

The Betoota finance district is in a state of chaos this morning after a report out of the Human Studies Centre has concluded a harsh truth that the industry has long refused to accept.

According to the report “literally no one cares that you know what the Dow Jones is” and “no one wants to hear you explain it to them either”.

The findings have delivered a harsh blow to bros and broettes across the finance industry, particularly those who have based their entire identity around the index.

Reports from the scene state that bros can be seen stumbling around aimlessly and some even going as far as throwing themselves at the feet of other pedestrians and begging them to say it isn’t so.

“How will I attempt to assert my superiority in a social gathering now?” pleaded one banker who’s slicked back hair was ruffled askew.

“The one thing I thought made me interesting is now as worthless as that IPO I botched last quarter” the same banker admitted to our reporter before crying into his cupped hands.

On top of no one caring about Dow Jones knowledge, the report also revealed that no one wants to hear you explain bonds, or how late you stay in the office.

More to come.