Report Finds People With A Beard Should Be Forced To Eat Sandwiches In A Room By Themselves

TRACEY BENDINGER | Society | Contact

Everyone except bearded people are rejoicing today after a leaked government document revealed potential new workplace measures that would see bearded people forced to eat in a room by themselves, out of sight.

According to the report’s abstract, non-bearded people have been quietly disgusted by their hairy colleagues’ eating for as long as open-plan offices have been in vogue.

The report goes on to say that full isolation of bearded eaters would be the preferred solution. However, if there is resistance, banning them from eating sandwiches, burgers, or any form of soup — laksa, pho, etc. — in front of non-bearded colleagues would suffice.

It’s believed the bearded community is very upset, with many too furious to even get the crumbs out of their facial pube-nest before taking to social media to call out the discrimination, saying it’s “beardist” and arguing “you wouldn’t tell Jesus to go have the Last Supper in a room by himself, so don’t tell me to!”

The Advocate has reached out to the government for comment, but were told they’re unable to provide information on a policy until the PM has finished his spring break slinging schooners in the States.

More to come.