Report Finds People Who Sneeze More Than Twice In A Row Need To Get A Grip

TRACEY BENDGINER | Local News | Contact

It’s a natural bodily function that happens to humans and animals alike, yet for some, sneezing is more than a reflex that stops irritants from reaching your respiratory tract. It’s a desperate cry for attention.  

For the latter group, the researchers at Betoota Medical College have issued a single, clinical recommendation: take a good hard look at yourself. 

According to the report, anyone who sneezes more than twice in a row is in fact doing it for purely egotistical reasons, and in the same category as correcting someone’s punctuation. 

“Two sneezes are more than appropriate,” says lead researcher Dr. Thompson, who has never sneezed more than twice in his life .

"And really it’s all you need.” 

“We found sneezing more than twice is a learned behaviour, one that certain people have developed so that everyone else has to stop what they’re doing and look at the sneezer.” 

“It’s a strange way to attract attention, but evolution doesn’t make mistakes so it must work for them” 

“It’s just incredibly annoying for the rest of us who have to put up with the sneeze-athon.” 

With cold and flu season upon us, Dr Thompson suggests the best thing you can do is to just ignore these people. 

“They thrive on attention. If everyone simply stops acknowledging them, we may be able to remove that gene from the population entirely.” 

More to come.