Groundbreaking New Report Finds If Kids On E-Bikes Annoy You, You Are Just Getting Old

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A stunning new discovery has established a link between getting upset over teenagers taking risks and being a grumpy old fuck who's acting like he never dropped acid in a paddock near Nimbin and engaged in intergenerational unprotected intercourse during the HIV/AIDS epidemic of the 1980s and 90s.

The report, conducted by the Bjerke-Petersen Centre of Social Studies (BPCSS) at the South Betoota Polytechnic College (SBPC), outlines a number of key criteria that annoys Australians about kids riding around on cool high-powered e-bikes. The most common being advanced age.

Dr Raymond Gunt from the BPCSS at the SBPC said the report uncovered some interesting facets of our own identity as we age.

"Most of the older drivers on the road now are Baby Boomers, as their long-suffering and decent parents have by now, suffered the indignity of having their licence stolen by the state government and their homes liquidated, so they can be stuffed in some egregious inheritance incinerating aged care facility, which is ultimately better than having to care for your parents as they get old," he said.

"You know, the Silent Generation. The ones that chastised their Boomer children for taking drugs and chonging each other silly. Inventors of the backshots, they are. Boomers like be are utterly depraved. At least, we were. You know, dropping acid in paddocks and drove fast cars with no seatbelts or crumple zones. But, you know, the Silent Generation. They flew planes made of paper and wood over Germany to drop bombs on civilians. Some even put a flamethrower on Japanese conscripts in Borneo. Like, they set them on fire. Another human. My own father put his Owen gun over Japanese teenagers in Kokoda like he was painting his living room wall with a roller. He thinks he shot like at least a hundred. Never had any problems, either. He told me one night when we got really pissed on whiskey in the shed that he only ever shot bad men, which is why he sleeps better than a rich man's useless, tubby fuck son. Some he shot in not such a legal way, too, I might add. But he used to tell me it was dangerous to ride my motorbike fast, which is fucken was,"

"But this is just the cycle continuing, we have the Nu-Boomers or Generation X as they call themselves. Now it's their turn to get annoyed by something kids are doing. Is it reckless, fucking oath it is, is it dumb, my word, but fuck me, is their anything new?"

More to come.