Proposed Introduction Of Driverless Taxis A Boon For Blokes Who Likes To End The Night With A Cab Dart

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Some local men have today declared the future finally looking up following news that Waymo is considering the Diamantina Shire as a pilot site for its autonomous taxi fleet. While the tech giant has emphasised safety, efficiency and cutting edge innovation, Betoota's gentlemen have identified what they believe to be the real benefit of the program.

Our reporter spoke to a group of men smoking on the footpath out the front of The Gelded Seahorse Hotel in town.

"No driver means I can finally have a cab dart in peace," said French Quarter city worker Shane Delbridge.

"These cars do not breathe. They do not judge. They do not cough passive smoke back at you in a passive aggressive way. That is progress," he said.

The proposed trial would see driverless vehicles operating across the French Quarter's narrow laneways, the wide boulevards of Betoota Heights and out along the Diamantina Development Motorway. According to Waymo's analysts, the town offers diverse road conditions. According to Betoota's male population, it offers the perfect place to indulge in late night behaviour usually prohibited by anyone with a functioning moral compass.

"You can drink a Powerade in peace, use the empty bottle to piss in, then lob it out the window. It's a win-win," added boilermaker Trent Watkins.

"You can also eat in one. Like actually eat. Not sneak food then hide the evidence like you are doing something illegal. There is no driver to glare at you while you inhale a kebab like a python swallowing a rabbit," said.

The introduction of driverless cars is also expected to solve one of the great post-midnight problems facing modern men. What to do when the stomach turns.

"If you need to vomit into a shopping bag, you can just do it," said Betoota Heights landscaper Dean Wallace.

"Then you tie it off and send it out the window like a little sack of hell. A driverless car is not going to pull over and tell you to get out. It will not give you a lecture about respect. It'll just go beep beep, hope you feel better cob, beep beep. It will just silently keep taking you home. Heaven," said.

Taxi drivers are less enthusiastic, claiming the new vehicles undermine a centuries-old relationship between the bloke in the back seat and the bloke up front who pretends not to notice the cigarette being lit if a $20 note is held up at the right angle.

"Part of the job is telling a young fella he cannot smoke in the back, unless I am also having a smoke, and even then he has to ask nicely," said longtime local cabbie Darren "Blue" Materson.

"These things will let anyone puff away without consequences. It is not right, there's no barter. It's terrible." said.

Council officials insist the trial is still subject to regulator approval, though insiders say the government is keen to appear technologically competent after the e-scooter program that ended with every scooter in the Diamantina River.

Should the program be approved, experts expect Betoota's streets to soon be lined with silent, self-driving taxis, ferrying men home in a judgment-free bubble where they can smoke, eat, piss, wank, spew and launch objects out the window without a single stern lecture. For many locals, it represents not just a transportation upgrade, but a long overdue return to dignity.

More to come.