PM: “The Ashes Are On, Please Send Your Thanks And Gratitude To My Office. Gifts Also Accepted.”

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Ashes are on and the summer of Test cricket has been saved.

Prime Minister Scott Morrison got 18 Australian flags out for the morning press conference in Canberra to let the reporters know that he was about to make a big announcement.

“I have saved The Ashes,” he said.

“I know. It was a tough negotiation but we got there in the end. Now, I’ve seen what you’re all capable of doing in terms of showing gratitude and thanks to their politicians for their service. I’m talking about the tributes I’ve seen at Gladys Berejiklian’s electoral office [laughs] She sure did a great job of serving the people of New South Wales,”

“Ok so get a pen and paper ready. My principal electoral office is Suite 102, Level 1, 30 The Kingsway Cronulla, NSW, 2230. Please send me some of that gratitude because I saved the summer of Test cricket,”

“Which is ironic because I fucking hate cricket. I’d sooner drink a pint of Fanta and brake fluid than sit down and watch even the most explosively tight Big Bash game. Anyway, I’m accepting gifts as well, so don’t be shy on them either. As a hint, I’m a classic glazed man myself, I don’t like sprinkles or sinful hundreds and thousands.”

More to come.