Person Who Hasn't Had Their Brain Transformed Into A Soiled Dish Sponge By These Egregious Social Media Algorithms Yet Probably Just Going To Try And Be Productive Today While Acknowledging Things Can And Should Be Better Than They Are

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A local man who woke up this morning without immediately reaching for his phone and mainlining a personalised slurry of rage content directly into his still-cold brain, has confirmed he will likely attempt to be mildly productive today, while quietly acknowledging that Australia Day remains complicated, unresolved, and largely weaponised by social media algorithms and worthless politicians that'd otherwise be unemployable in the wild.

This freak was photographed at approximately 7:12am lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, reportedly thinking about nothing in particular before briefly remembering that it is January 26 and that the internet will be doing what it does best for the next 24 hours.

Friends of the man say he is acutely aware that a significant portion of the country experiences today not as a celebration, but as a reminder of invasion, dispossession and a long history of brutal indifference toward Aboriginal people that has never been meaningfully addressed.

"He gets that," said friend. "He understands that wounds don't heal when they're ignored, minimised, or rolled out once a year for a culture war."

Rather than engaging with algorithmically boosted outrage designed to provoke maximum emotional response, the man has instead opted to treat the day like any other. He will make coffee, answer a few emails and avoid comment sections entirely, having recognised that social media platforms are financially incentivised to keep people angry, scared, and screaming at strangers.

Experts confirm that human brains are particularly vulnerable to this kind of manipulation.

"We are absolutely hard-wired to react strongly to conflict," said one guy in the smoking pokie section of Club North Betoota. "These platforms know that, and they monetise it ruthlessly."

The man reportedly hopes that one day Australia will mark a national day that reflects an honest reckoning with its past, celebrates a shared future, and acknowledges the country's evolution from British property into a prosperous, multicultural nation sitting awkwardly but confidently at the arse end of Asia.

Until then, he plans to keep his phone face-down and get on with his day.