New Jamie Oliver Cookbook, 10 Nanosecond Meals, Promises To Feed Your Family Before The Light Reflecting Off The Meal Even Registers On Their Fucking Retinas

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

In what experts are calling the epic conclusion of two decades of speed-orientated culinary charlatanism, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has released his latest cookbook, 10 Nanosecond Meals, promising to feed families before their brains have even registered the presence of food.

The book, which hit shelves this week, follows Oliver’s long-running campaign to shorten the time between a parent realising it’s 6:45pm and a child screaming that they are starving to death. It promises "honest, lip-smacking, rustic, nutrient-packed dishes" that can be prepared, cooked, and served before the molecular dance of the microwave even begins.

Speaking to reporters at the launch, Oliver said the book was inspired by modern families who "want to eat healthy, cheaply and easily but also want to do it quicker than 'wat up a dwayne pipe'".

"Look, mate, people haven’t got the time anymore," Oliver said.

"They want a wholesome roast that doesn’t exist in this dimension of space-time. That’s what I’ve cracked here. These meals are cooked so fast they technically happen before you even decide what to eat. Food, in your tum tum, before you even know you're hungry."

Recipes in 10 Nanosecond Meals include titles such as Stephen Hawking's Shepherd’s Pie, Atom-Fried Lasagne, and Photon-Roasted Chicken. Each dish, according to Oliver, "honours the ingredients" by not using them in the present sense of the word.

"The key," he added.

"Is to think less about cooking and more about creating a powerful emotional suggestion of food. I call it culinary reliativity."

The book is accompanied by a BBC series, Jamie's Nano Kitchen, in which the 49-year-old chef prepares meals using only residual heat his own sense of self-satisfaction. In the first episode, Oliver attempts to prepare a full English breakfast by picturing in his mind's eye Marco Peirre White being runover slowly by an armoured personal carrier and using that electrical energy of thought to prepare the meal.

Critics have praised the book’s ambition but questioned its practicality. The Advocate's food writer Phil Magutsup described it as "a brave step forward into the culinary singularity" but noted that most of the recipies actually take much longer to prepared and call for the reader to soil every pot and pan in their drawers.

One mother from the Betoota Grove area said she was excited by the book's premise, as she currently spends "about eight nanoseconds too long" each night peeling carrots before her children start fighting.

"I used to do Jamie's 15-Minute Meals," she said.

"Then 5-Minute Meals. Then 30-Second Snack Hacks. By the time I got to 1-Minute Wonders, I'd lost the will to live. This feels achievable. They loved the one-minute pasta, where we used compressed air to shoot raw pasta, salt water and bits of ham down their oesophagus. I'm interested to see how this Photon Chicken goes, sounds exotic!"

Supermarkets across Australia are already reporting shortages of "time-symmetric ingredients", with Coles confirming a surge in demand for polynomial lentils and theoretical parsley.

Not everyone is convinced. Local man Derek Proust from Betoota Heights said he tried one of the recipes and still hadn’t found the food.

“I followed the instructions exactly,” he said.

“Put the pan on, blinked, and it was over. I don’t know if I ate dinner or if I just remembered doing it. My wife said she smelt burnt toast, which I think means something’s wrong. Maybe I forgot to carry a one somewhere. Either way, total wank!"

At the launch, Oliver said his next project will push the limits even further.

"We’re already working on a sequel called Negative-Time Nutrition," he said.

"Meals so fast they'll actually make you feel full before you get hungry."

When asked if the idea was dangerous, Oliver laughed.

"Only if you believe in causality," he said.

"Do I look like I play games? Don't fuck with me."

More to come.