New CSIRO Report Uncovers Evidence That The Government Can Go And Get Fucked

ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The nation's peak scientific body is slashing a further 350 jobs, just before Christmas, which adds to the pile of near 800 researchers who've had their keycards deactivated in the past 18 months.

While those that run the CSIRO are quick to point out that it's the costs of running such research which has lead to this, it's the government who has repeatedly cut funding to the organisation that has given this country so much.

The highest ranking public servant there, with their feed up on the desk, said the organisation will begin "conversations" with staff to begin on Wednesday.

"These conversations will include us telling them that while their research is important, it's not important enough to keep doing," they said.

"And then the conversation will evolve into being one about them not working here anymore. Look, I don't know what you want me to say. We only have a certain amount of budget and I need to make tough calls about where it goes. I've made those tough calls,"

"What do you want? More public servant double-speak? Here. In the current operating environment, we are proactively realigning our organisational footprint to ensure long-term sustainability and stakeholder value creation. While this strategic recalibration unfortunately includes a reduction in headcount across several workstreams, it positions us to optimise resource deployment and maintain core delivery capabilities amid ongoing funding constraints. These decisions, though difficult, reflect our commitment to leveraging operational efficiencies, enhancing fiscal discipline, and ensuring that we remain resilient, future-focused, and well-placed to capture emergent opportunities in a dynamic market landscape,"

"I don't like talking like that but it's the world we live in. Now fuck off."

In the wake of this egregious trampling of public research, the CSIRO has released a groundbreaking report that has uncovered evidence that the government can go and get fucked, which insiders have said may have influenced today's decision.

The report's author, told The Advocate on the condition of anonymity, that the evidence is irrefutable and leads to a singular conclusion.

"They're more concerned about selling iron ore to China so they can build aircraft carriers, and we have to take their money and buy nuclear submarines so we can sink those aircraft carriers," they said.

"That is expensive, so paying scientists to unravel mysteries like why we had to shut down the planet five years ago because someone in southern China ate some undercooked pangolin or why the ecosystem is collapsing, suddenly becomes controversial. I just hope our scientists can find new jobs that Thales or Raytheon, finding the secret to perfectly mistakenly vapourise a villager with a carbon-fibre drone that costs more than his entire village would make in a century. At least they'll be able to pay their mortgage, in Queanbeyan or wherever they live."

More to come.